Thursday, January 01, 2009

The suicidal madman and the comedian

A comedian was drinking, and merrily singing
When a suicidal man came sat at his table
"Give me your strongest ale!" he cried
And turning his head to the man beside
He started narrating his forlorn fable.

The barkeep served rum, as strong as they come,
and glanced upon the looks on their faces
They had similar features, the left one was pale
And both were drinking the pub's strongest ale.
But its effects in each were opposite cases.

Said the suicidal man:
My dreams came and went and passed me by
There's naught but lightning in my sky
I turn to the heavens and shriek out "Why?!"
But there's never an answer from on up high.

I no longer feel compelled to try.
The path is clear in my mind's eye.
I fall on my knees and silently sigh
This day today is a good day to die.

Tell me, O comedian, why should I not
just cut my vein and end this drought?
Or blast my brains against this wall?
Or hang myself? And end it all!

The comedian now woken, saw the man had spoken
to him and asked him for advice
So he cleared his throat and said "Dear Sir,
Hear me out and if you don't concur
You are free to commit suicide twice."

The suicidal man, on hearing this plan
looked pleasantly full of hope
But he soon lamented - "Alas, my friend
There is no choice (this is my end)
except gunpowder, poison or rope."

Said the comedian:
Sir, in my mind, there is no doubt
That life does twist and turn about
But instead of asking - "Is this worth?"
Try to think of it with mirth

Let's take, for example, your own dreams
of lightning, thunder and your screams.
Juggle the order of things around,
add some filters, add some sound.

What happened in truth was this I recall
You looked at the sky and then you bawled
"Why?!" you cried and the clouds did part!
Thunder and lightning!
Or, was it...
a fart?

Ha ha ha, so you see my friend
I kept the punchline for the end
But look at it this way and you'll feel in your heart
On you, God farted, so on Him you must fart.

No response was evoked, from the comedian's joke
"Do you get..." The comedian began
"There's a man in my mirror. Who is he?
He taunts. He shouts. And he laughs at me!"
suddenly shouted the suicidal man.

The comedian let this fact first sink, then felt the need for some more drink
He ordered the barkeep for some more rum.
"The man in the mirror? I see him too!
Just laugh with him when he laughs at you.
This little trick, and you'll never be glum."

Said the suicidal man:
You've seen him too, and yet your relief
at something so serious, is beyond belief!
Don't you see the imposter, the robber, the thief!
We have to finish him; he'll fill us with grief!

Said the comedian:
But wait my friend, just consider this
If you make at him faces, at the mirror you piss
Isn't it funny how he'll have to do the same?
Just imagine his helplessness, his shame

Hearing this, the suicidal man, he ran
and clutched a butcher's knife
"How do you know that's what he does!
That won't make sense unless it was...
You! No wonder you love your life!"

Said the suicidal man:
You evil twin, you comedian clown.
Ha! Now I will strike you down.
Ha! I will carve you out a frown.
I'll hold you underwater until you drown!

The sharp shiny blade swept across and sprayed
red pearls of blood on the wooden floor
The man was stricken by a manic pain
When he realized who it was he'd slain
The man in the mirror smiled and closed the door

The light went out and it was darkness about
The man and the comedian were side-by-side
They looked at the news and the comedian, said he,
Funny they don't even mention of me
It read: "Schizophrenic man commits suicide"