Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Whatever League

Unbeknownest to the people of this world, a team of undercover superheroes and supervillains lives among them. Their secret personalities as mundane by day as possible, they turn into magnificent beings as night approaches.

"To the service of Justice, Social service, World peace, Orkut, Whisky, Classic milds. Well, whatever..." is their undying call.

The following journalistic entry finally exposes their well-kept secret of 20+ years.



It's a bird. No, it's a plane. No, it's Superjha's pyjamas.

Team leader and the general secretary of the Whatever League. Superjha realized his superpowers when he failed to commit suicide by falling into a well in 4th grade. Speaks parseltongue. Moves his neck at velocities faster than a speeding bullet.

Special powers: Instant bakwaas generation (which compensates for his vestige of a brain), transmogrification into his snake avatar, and making poverty into an art form.


Able to perform involved computations and evolve complicated strategies from the smallest of assumptions, C. Gary Mall is Superjha's trusted sidekick, aiding him in all his activities even though unfortunately few of strategies have actually ever worked.

Superjha and his Cyborg on the Jhamobile

It (Cyborg Gary Mall) was formed from a failed experiment in the army to create the ultimate spy, and has even worked in this capacity for several years. However, the next generation of the experiment was a hit and succeeded in producing its brother, who is immune to any form of intoxication.

It can sponge emotions completely, because it has none of its own.

Special Power: Complete hypnosis. It is said that CGM once made people apping "strategically" take up jobs.


Others destress; his distress.

Destress-man's expression after somebody else's hard day at work.

Destress-man is always at the forefront of the team, ready to take in punishment from supervilains for the rest of the team. Unfortunately for him, his own team usually ends up beating him to a pulp long before the villains can arrive.

Special Powers: Long distance phone calls.


It is said that: "Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder."

The Beholder's reaction to a butt-ugly woman.

The Beholder has beauty stuck in his eye in a spot that blinds him to more down-to-earth concepts like symmetry, facial features and height. Can see directly into the heart of his female companions, which is good, since most of them would repel even the most beer-saturated, beyond horny males.

The Beholder derives his superpowers from his "Helmet of unassailability" which renders him invulnerable against any magnitude of force, such as motorcycle crashes.

Special powers: The Beholder rushes in where angels fear to tread. Thereafter, he suffers the consequences.



The Bhulk shows off his goods

Superjha and The Bhulk have a love-hate relationship, akin to Tom and Jerry. He is the arch nemesis, and when irritated is not afraid to push his weight. Many an innocent victim have been pressed against his bulk and a tight spot, and barely survived to tell the tale.

Loves to indulge in extravagant excesses, and can induce magnanimousity in people merely by being close by.

Special Powers: Killer accent, Senti mode, Hooba power.


Supertrio: From left: Bannerman, Dr. Gadgetron, Junior

"Resistance is futile. You will be bannered."

In the past, with just one click of his mouse, or one keypress, Bannerman has "bannered" multiple blogs, orkut profiles, SMSs, emails... what not. A curse of "bannering" cannot be undone, and the fate of the helpless victim is destroyed forever.

Obsessed with certain rhyming words, his favourite places are Havana and Ghana, and his favourite fruit is a banana.

Special Powers: The curse of "bannering", fist of death.


Dr. Gadgetron makes evil weapons of mass destruction, all of which have hand-driven motors. It is said that the evil part of his brain resides within his beard, and it can only be destroyed by burning it after dousing it in alcohol.

Special Powers: Evil laugh.


A recent addition to the super villain roster, Junior can suck the soul out of his victims by merely placing his hand around their shoulders and using the spell of "Jindagi ka saath". However, his development in the team has been rather slow, since most of the instructions are not in Hindi.

Special Powers: Seniors, Hindi Fundaes.